Divorce is a fairly common occurrence in the United States, so it’s no surprise that 13% of the adult population falls under the definition of stepparent. But just because something is common certainly doesn’t make it easy.
One of the hardest challenges of moving on after divorce is becoming a stepparent in a new committed relationship.
The blending of families creates a mixture of emotions for all parties, and it’s particularly crucial to note the well-being of any children involved.
Thankfully, by following some of these tips, you’ll come to realize that despite negative circumstances, stepparents can have a positive impact in their stepchild’s life.
What Makes a Good Stepparent
A few overarching themes can carry you a long way as you navigate the new waters of becoming a stepparent. By approaching situations with respect, understanding, unconditional love, and equality, you can set a strong foundation.
Respect
As a stepparent, it’s vital to maintain a level of respect for your new partner, their child(ren), and the ex involved. Regardless of what you think about the individual, try never to speak poorly of the biological parent in front of the child. This only serves to erode their trust in you and could deter them from getting close to you themselves.
In cases where co-parenting is amicable, you need to be prepared to respect the decisions made for the child by their biological parents so everyone is presenting a united front. Children thrive on consistency, and that includes the way the adults in their lives interact. Any boundaries set by the biological parents should be respected.
Understanding
Even the most well-adjusted children can struggle during and after their parents’ divorce. In addition to the sadness surrounding the divorce itself, children can be subject to moves, new routines, or other changes that throw off their sense of stability. Some children may act out, while others may become withdrawn. It’s important you maintain a consistent presence of calm.
Unconditional Love
When you sign up to become a stepparent, you should know you’re agreeing to love the new child(ren) unconditionally as if you were their biological parent. Someone who embraces this reality is well on their way to becoming an exceptional stepparent and presence in the child’s life. This love should remain constant despite the child’s initial reactions, behaviors, or other factors – hence the term unconditional!
Equality
In some families, the divorced parent and new stepparent may have children of their own. In these instances, it’s vital to maintain equality between all of the children in the family. Children are very perceptive, and favoritism of a new child could cause a major rift and a host of emotional issues both now and in the child’s future.
5 Do’s and Don’ts
DON’T Force It
If a child is hesitant to form a relationship, you shouldn’t try to force it from the beginning. You have to remember their world has just been upended, so they’ll need some time to adjust to their new normal. Forcing them to spend time with a stepparent they don’t feel emotionally connected to yet risks only making them uncomfortable around that individual.
DO Make Yourself Available
Instead of trying to force it, simply letting them know you’re available can go a long way in laying the groundwork to build an eventual relationship. Running an errand? Ask them to go along, but don’t push it if they decline. Going outside to shoot basketball? Ask if they want to join. Giving consistent opportunities allows them to make the choice when they’re read.
DON’T Ignore Them
While you shouldn’t force it, be careful to avoid the other end of the spectrum, too. By pretending like the child doesn’t exist, you risk making them feel unwanted or a burden, even if your intention is simply to give them space. Instead, always acknowledge them and, like mentioned above, give them the opportunity to be included.
DON’T Take It Personally
Some children may lash out at the stepparent directly, possibly blaming them for the divorce. You have to remember that children’s brains are not fully developed, and they’re trying to make sense of a situation that is complex even to adults. Their mom and dad are usually their safe space, so it can be easier to direct anger and resentment at you. Don’t take it personally and never retaliate.
DO Be Patient
The importance of patience can’t be overstated. It’s not realistic to expect a child to adapt to a new familial arrangement in mere days, weeks, or even months! And even once they have adjusted, they may still experience behavioral or emotional backslides. Through it all, you must remain patient.
Final Thoughts
If becoming a stepparent sounds like a major undertaking, that’s because it is. Becoming a permanent fixture in a child’s life is not a decision that should be taken lightly, no matter how much you value the relationship with the child’s biological parent. But once you’ve decided you’re up for the role, using our above tips can help you ease into the new responsibilities while encouraging the beginnings of a bond with your new stepchild(ren).
Handle your Divorce with Family Law Experts
If you need help with divorce or any family law issues the attorneys at Rappleye & Rappleye in Jackson County can help. Divorce is a very stressful event in a family’s life. Our Family Law firm can help reduce your stress by putting our divorce law experience and skill to work for you.
Rappleye &Rappleye represents people in all areas of divorce and family law in Michigan and will help you through the process. Call us anytime to set up a Free initial Consultation.