No one enters their marriage hoping for divorce, but sadly, we all know that our lives can take paths we never expected. If you’re a parent, ending a relationship comes with its own challenges and considerations.
How you support your children through the divorce process has an impact on building their new normal.
An important first step is recognizing the specific needs of your child(ren), especially if you have multiple across different age groups. By meeting your kids where they are emotionally and cognitively, you can better explain what is happening in their lives to help them regain some sense of control and stability.
Remember, if you’ve found yourself here, you’re already being a proactive parent. Armed with the following information and tips, you can help alleviate the challenges that children may face during divorce.
Meeting Your Children Where They Are
Children soak up knowledge like sponges, changing astonishing amounts from week to week, not just year to year. That means the way your pre-teen will process the divorce is likely far different from how your toddler or young child may respond.
If you speak to each child based on where they are mentally, you can reduce confusion and alleviate fears.
But how does one do that exactly? Read on for some age specific information and suggestions to get started, and you can adjust the information up or down to meet the age of your individual children.
Example 1: The 5-year-old
Five-year-olds are on the verge of starting elementary school, if they have not already. While their skills and knowledge of the world have flourished since birth, developmentally they still have a long way to go.
Divorce can bring out overwhelming feelings that the child hasn’t had the practice to regulate on their own, so they’ll need your help.
The primary emotions for this age group include confusion and sadness. Children go from having both parents securely in the home to being bounced around, never with mom and dad at the same time. They grow anxious as their minds that thrive on routine cannot predict what will happen next.
In some cases, children become terrified that they will lose both parents completely as the time with each is cut. These feelings can lead to intense separation-anxiety.
Example 2: The 12-year-old
A 12-year-old, on the other hand, stands at the precipice of their teenage years. Their brains aren’t even close to fully formed, but their cognitive abilities are lightyears above their 5-year-old counterparts. Hormones are starting to swirl and the changes approaching are daunting. So how do all of these factors affect how divorce impacts a 12-year-old?
For starters, they will likely share many negative feelings with younger children including sadness and anxiety about what will come next. However, their more nuanced emotional intelligence means they have the capacity for advanced responses such as anger or guilt.
While the younger child may have become clingy, a young adolescent could experience rage towards one or both parents. They may begin acting out to gain the attention they feel they are missing in such a tumultuous time.
And, while a 5-year-old may experience a vague form of guilt, a 12-year-old has the capacity to truly blame themselves, even if the logic is flawed, and can be less likely to believe their parents when told it isn’t their fault.
Logistically, children of this age may be more enmeshed in their schools, friend groups, and extracurricular activities. If the divorce has the potential to separate the child from any of these familiar settings, it can exacerbate their stress.
The child may be lonely if they have to start over and make new friends. Additionally, this is an age where youth are beginning to care more about the opinions of their peers. Even though divorce is common, children in this age group might find themselves feeling embarrassed about their situation and withdraw from others.
5 Universal Tips to navigate the process
Regardless of the age of your child(ren), there are 5 general tips that can reduce the chance of negative effects.
1. Use Age Appropriate Language
Nothing you say will have the desired impact if you don’t speak to your children in an age appropriate manner. For example, it might be enough to say to a 5-year-old that “mommy and daddy love you so much, but we are going to live in different houses. You will still get to see mommy and daddy all the time.” A 12-year-old, conversely, may not accept such a simplified answer. You should be prepared to answer questions thoughtfully and honestly while still careful not to lay any adult issues on them.
2. Continual Reassurance
It’s virtually guaranteed the “is it my fault?” thought will cross a child’s mind. So, it’s vital to continually reassure your child that you love them and absolutely nothing they did could have caused the breakup. As you progress through each part of the divorce process, constantly remind them that they are safe and both mom and dad will both continue to love and care for them no matter what.
3. Keep It Clean
Arguably one of the most difficult aspects of being a parent during a divorce is not speaking ill of your former partner in front of your child(ren), especially if you feel you were wronged in the relationship. While hard to accept, sometimes people can be better mothers or fathers than they are spouses. You must respect the role your ex plays in your child’s life and understand that your child’s relationship with their other parent is more important than any feelings you possess. A healthy co-parenting arrangement will go a long way towards a well-adjusted child once the divorce is finalized.
4. Keep Problems To Yourself
We would venture to guess that in almost 99% of cases, there is no need for your child(ren) to know the reason you divorced other than explaining it simply wasn’t their fault. While it’s horrible that your spouse cheated on you, there’s no need to add that stress and adult-level issue to the mind of a child of any age. Or maybe finances caused a huge riff. It would only add to a child’s anxiety if they knew their family’s separation also meant money problems, especially for older children that can grasp the concept.
5. Create Their Own Space
In most instances, divorce means the parents will be living in separate homes. Bouncing back and forth may cause the child to feel like instead of having two safe places to lay their head, they don’t even have one. You can counteract this feeling by ensuring they have happy, secure spaces created at each of their parents’ houses to give them a sense of stability. Even little gestures like allowing them to pick their own comforter or hang a poster on the wall can go a long way in making the new room feel like their own.
3 Reasons to Hire a Divorce Attorney
Even without children, divorce is an incredibly complex issue. You may enter the process with the intention of being the best version of yourself, only to find the uncovered emotions impair your judgment and make you act in ways you never imagined. Or, the partner you once loved may turn into someone else entirely during the stress of the separation. Either way, there are many reasons it’s important to hire a divorce attorney.
1. Objective Lens
Have you ever been so mad or upset you couldn’t think straight? Now stretch that over the course of months that it will take to finalize your divorce. During that time, emotions run high and rash, regrettable decisions can be made. Hiring a divorce attorney ensures an objective lens that will help you make smart, informed decisions, not mistakes based on emotions.
2. Protect Yourself
It’s impossible to be a solid parent if you can’t take care of yourself. In cases of tumultuous separations, it’s believable that an angry ex could attempt to take some of your assets. A lawyer helps mitigate the risk that you will pay more than your fair share, and can also eliminate potential confrontation as the lawyers speak directly with one another.
3. Best Interest of the Children
Whether you are trying for an even-split or you want a greater percentage of custody than your former partner, a divorce attorney can ensure your parental rights are protected while doing what’s best for the children involved. Even parents with the best intentions can have miscommunications. Allowing divorce attorneys to carefully outline any custody agreements with you can eliminate future arguments and stress on the children by keeping everyone on the same page.
Contact a Trusted Divorce Lawyer Near You
With so many marriages ending, it’s possible you or someone you know may find yourself sailing the unfamiliar waters of divorce. And we agree that any children involved should be kept as priority number one. That’s why experienced attorneys at Rappleye & Rappley P.C. in Jackson are standing by to help guide you through every step of the process so you can reach the other side of divorce happy, protected, and a stellar parent.
Contact our divorce and family law firm anytime for a Free Consultation with an experienced divorce lawyer.