Divorce affects a large percentage of marriages in the United States. And contrary to popular belief, sometimes it truly is the best decision for the entire family. When children are involved, it’s crucial to navigate the process with civility, caring, and patience. Unfortunately, some parents unknowingly make mistakes that can affect how well the children are able to handle the huge change.
Putting your children first should be a priority throughout the divorce process.
Here are a few important things to keep in mind.
Before the Filing
One of the most common mistakes parents make while they’re contemplating divorce is assuming that “staying together for the kids” is the best choice. In reality, research has shown that outcomes of children raised in highly contentious homes are actually worse than children who had separated, but effective co-parents.
Children are perceptive, so even if both mom and dad are in the same home, they can sense something is off.
This is obviously worsened if children observe dysfunctional or intense arguments between their parents. Exposing children in the home to frequent emotional distress can have long-lasting impacts on their mental health, such as anxiety and depression.
It can also negatively affect the parent-child relationship, even if the animosity is never directed at the child themselves.
During the Proceedings
Once divorce proceedings have begun, it’s important to let kids know that nothing is their fault. Some parents mistakenly assume that their children should know this, but children don’t have the same mental framework to make sense of adult situations. It’s very common for them to internalize the divorce, even blaming themselves.
That’s why it’s so vital for parents to continuously emphasize the children are loved, safe, and in no way responsible for what’s happening.
While this stage can become contentious in some divorces, limiting children’s exposure to arguments or situations that aren’t age-appropriate is again crucial to protect their mental health and relationship with each parent.
When possible, it’s also helpful to give children notice on upcoming changes, as opposed to springing things on them at the last minute. For example, if the divorce will be accompanied by a move, letting the children know far ahead helps maintain trust between all parties.
After the Finalization
Once the divorce is finalized, challenges don’t necessarily stop, but change form. In volatile divorces, some parents tend to talk negatively about the other in front of the children. But no matter what your relationship with your now ex-spouse, you should avoid this behavior at all costs.
Additionally, refrain from trying to “get information” about the other parent from your child. This puts them in an uncomfortable position of being in the middle. And you certainly shouldn’t expect your child to lie for you under any circumstances.
Finally, when you do decide to begin dating again, it’s important to shield your children from additional uncertainty. Many experts suggest not introducing children too early out of caution, no matter how excited you are about the new partner.
What Children REALLY Need
Regardless of the stage of divorce, children need two parents who are civil and put their needs above all else. During such a tumultuous time, children need continual reassurance, both verbal and through lived actions, that they are loved, not at fault, and still both parents’ priority.
Finally, it’s important to understand and accept that, even in the most amicable of divorced, children may experience incredibly strong emotions, or even act out. Kids need grace to adapt to such a big change, and offering all forms of support and understanding is key to their long term mental health.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve made the difficult decision to divorce, we understand how challenging the process is. Many parents wonder if they’re inflicting long term damage on their children. But the reality is that if you keep their needs at the forefront during the proceedings, continually reassure them, and give them space to process, you can help them make the transition a little easier.
Keep in mind, it’s usually the best parents that are even worried about being good parents at all.
Protect Your Children and Your Future During Divorce
The decisions made during a divorce can affect your family long after the case is finalized. That’s why its important to have an experienced legal team. They’ll help you better understand your options and make informed decisions regarding child custody, parenting time, property division, support, and other important family law matters.
Our divorce and family law firm in Jackson has provided trusted legal representation to Michigan families for more than 60 years. We understand that every family and every divorce is different, and we work to protect your rights while helping you pursue an outcome that supports your children and your family’s future.
Contact us today to speak with an experienced divorce attorney and schedule a free consultation.